i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
