only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
