I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
