I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
