If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize