She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
