I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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