first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have fence marks all over my body
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
