Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
as a side note pls kill me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
