Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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