dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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