i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
