i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize