I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
