It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
