I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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