I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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