It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
