It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
