I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
