I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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