just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
