So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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