My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
