She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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