if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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