Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
