I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize