Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
