one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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