he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
