k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize