Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
