I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
