i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
