well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
