We won't sleep together?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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