just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How's work?
Spinning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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