We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
