I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
