Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I love having hate sex.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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