my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize