wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
