I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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