woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
