i would punch a child for taco bell
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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