don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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