Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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