They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
