I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
