no, he came in my armpit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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