Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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