she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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