Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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