Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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