There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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