life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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