this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize