3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
