My nipple is on Facebook.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish they made helmets for livers.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
