apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
