By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
