you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
